OverCome

Life has been bumpy. The road has always been hard.
i dont think i have a memory that isnt tied to 4 other bad ones.
But thats life, thats what all the people say. My girlfriend of
a year and a half left me recently. I had planned to move to D.C
and live with her when i graduate in may. It crushed me. it still
is in my head. its sad. i have tried to move on and forget. we havent
talked at all. but i still know that if she wanted me back i would
do it. i loved what we had so much. i dont think i will ever get that
back. I know a lot of people that break up say things like that. My chest
still hurts when i think of her. she was so deep in my heart. it was
the first time i ever let my defenses down and truly let someone in. i
think thats the biggest problem. i dont know if i will ever be that
comfortable with anyone ever again. I wanted that relationship to work so bad.
i sacrificed everything i could. Shes the only person i have ever cried for.
i never cry but thats how moved i was and how bad i wanted it to work. I was
ready to buy a ring when i got my job later this year. it was so great, it
was in one word perfect. then it fell apart and i finally realized i didnt have
control over anything, and it fucking sucked. if i had to pick one moment of
my life that i hate the most that was it. its so sad.

I have so many good things going in my life. A lot of people care about me. I have a loving family that i am so thankful for. I mean we arent the perfect example of a family but at the end of the day they are my blood and i am theres and we will fight for one another. My mom is so sweet bless her heart. but shes sick and shes lost a lot of weight and everytime i see her im afraid it will be the last time. my dad has always been there for me and has paid for almost everything in my life. i wont have any debt when i graduate college in may. i will be able to get a job and start life with a clean slate. which is amazing. The only problem is i dont think he knows who i am at all. i mean we think the same and have a lot of the same interests but i mean i dont think he will ever truly know who i am and i wish we had that connection. my brother finally seems to have his life together. i dont understand how his mind operates i dont know if hes happy, but if i had his life i would be dead. i wouldnt have been able to take it. i know more than once my life has pushed me to that brink so far im glad i havent taken the fall. well shit i just got a phone call and forgot where this was going. so peace.

written and transcribed from the depths of my head
merely words on pages
text on a screen
never seen
never said
never read

thoughts feelings phrases
happiness anger depression
obsession anything can be conjured
whats your pleasure

mind for hire
alone a-top of a high wire
no net
ready set lets go

shadows and dust
thats all we will be
the end, dead
but what of the in between
love, life, and the american dream

one day it becomes a nightmare
and no one is there
just you and your
fear.....

So here is a thing I stole

Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1.) Get married
2.) have children
3.) see the world

Three Names You Go By:
1.) Joe
2.) joseph
3.) joey d

Three Screen Names You Have Had:

1.) deathnstuff
2.) jdfrommv
3.) {T.o.o.l.} BoneSAW

Three Physical Things You Like About Yourself:
1.) Hair
2.) Smile
3.) Body

Three Things That Scare You:
1.) Loneliness
2.) being poor
3.) not living up

Three Of Your Everyday Essentials:
1.) Computer
2.) internet
3.) phone

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1.) Jeans
2.) Hat.
3.) Boots

Three Of Your Favorite Bands/Musical Artists:
1.) Death cab for cutie
2.) Weezer
3.) Flobots

Three Of Your Favorite Songs:
1.) Bullet with butterfly wings by smashing pumpkins
2.) Zzyzx road by stone sour
3.) in this river Black label society

Three Things You Want In A Relationship:
1.) Respect
2.) Trust
3.) Honesty

Two Truths And A Lie (in no particular order):
1.) i play wow
2.) i cant wait to go chill with chris and justin
3.) i own a convertable

Three Physical Things About The Preferred Sex That Appeal To You:
1.) Ass
2.) eyes
3.) smile

Three Of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1.) Gaming
2.) working out
3.) Sleep

Three Things You Want To Do Really Badly Right Now:
1.) Leave work
2.) sleep
3.) be with sarah

Three Careers You're Considering/You've Considered:
1.) Pro. Gamer
2.) Business owner
3.) Chemist

Three Places You Want To Go On Vacation:
1.) Russia.
2.) Greece
3.) Paris

Three Ways That You Are Stereotypically A Girl:
1.) I like to be clean/well groomed.
2.) I love buying new clothes.
3.) i like "happy" music

Three Ways That You Are Stereotypically A Boy:
1.) I swear constantly.
2.) I am insensitive
3.) I am overly blunt and harsh.

Alright so im probably going to rant a little bit here so if you mind hit the little X in the top right corner of the window Now!

So next week i have spring break key word in the statement is "break"
Definition of Break

Break: to take a rest period from work or an activity

Well its exactly one week from when break starts and homework over a break period is already stacking up. I found this to be rather curious because the purpose of a break predefined above is to take a rest. So let me get this straight the school gives me a period to take a break but my course work keeps up such that i have to maintain the work and activity i normally do when i am in session at school. So where exactly did my professors get confused when the term break was explained to them? i mean the definition is a whole 10 words not that complicated (at least not in comparison to some of the content they teach).

So this morning when my Analytical Chemistry teacher begins to define the requirements of the class over the break period i raise my hand in hopes to explain what spring break is for. Although i am not similar to some of my colleagues going to hot spots such as Mexico, but none the less i would like some time to just sit and "chill" as my generation says. Instead im going to be stressed scrambling to do work that i have limited resources to complete.

This all builds to my point of problems in America. This is one of them. We wonder why midlife crisis exists, why we have so many medications for so many problems, we wonder why people get burnt out and become worthless at life, we wonder why heart attacks are on the rise, we wonder why stress complexes exist. Well it all has to do with our in ability to take a "break" from the stressful environment wee have to battle with on a daily basis. I say battle because everyday in my life is a war, this is probably true for many people in America. All i am saying is that its not wrong to take a step back once and a while and "chill."

Im tired of conditions that this society creates, and i will not given in and be run over by the machine. This break i will be enjoying myself. I will be in the arms of one i love, i will play the guitar until i pass out. I will pursue my happiness. Because it is my right. So i urge you put down the school books, unwind, make that bad decision because in the end it may be the one decision that you made that was right.

Enjoy life.

Never good enough...... the goals are always just beyond reach the aims are always noble. its as if i am an angel whom finally got there wings and as he jumps into the air they are torn away from my body. i put in so much effort. so much spirit so much emotion so much enthusiasm and what do i get for it? what happens in the end. it is all for naught my friend. it is all for nothing and where am i left i am merely left behind in the dust with the emptiness lost to lust. so what excatly should i do? if this is the world i live in what is the point of trying why do i strive to do so well to be shot down each and every time? WHY tell me mother fucker you tell me sometimes i dont even believe the bullshit...... its all for something more something more some times i feel this is merely a hollow promise and what do i do with that now that i know the world for the whore that she is? WHAT??????

Well it took me a while to get back on here and post which is sad because i think of things to write on here all the time but i am never near a computer when this happens. I bought a 2000 sunfire last week and it runs Grreeeeeaaaatt... which is cool im guessing. i have a big biochemistry test i have started studying i started on monday which is like the most i have ever prepared for a test so i hope it goes well. I am actually in the library right now after i am done typing this i go back to studying so i guess go me i just want to fucking graduate ya know?

I wake up at about 6 am and toss two and a half over sized scoops of medium roast folgers coffee in the filter, and then place about half a pot of water in the thing and click on double strong baby gots to get me going in the morning you know?

life has been alright. i mean i am breathing and i have the love of my life what more can i ask for so as arabic people would say al humdulilah (thanks to god). yeah im in arabic class its pretty sweet learning a new language is something i consider uber cool so im doing it. i also have guitar lessons now, i am practicing for the school play which is going great and its possible taht i may join the school drum line. i know a busy boy. im just at the point in life where i am no long afraid to try new things that i have always wanted to do but have never done. cause i really dont care what other people have to say about my life. ne ways i have a meeting with a professor right now so stay tuned for more later.

well the final semester of my junior year. Oh god im going to be a senior next year. wait did i say oh god? i meant hells fucking yeah bitches. Time to pwn the newbs in the real world. i cant wait to graduate im so ready to move on to a different point in my life. I am looking at graduate schools im not too keen on grad school but it is necessary so im going to go against my free will. hmm does that sound normal? seems like this world has just been one thing after another that i dont want to do but it is required so i can get to a higher point in my life oh well. im cool with it.

class sucks. i have a ton of hard classes and i am generally the only male to be found in the class so its kinda rough. and i dont have ne one i really study with in my classes so im on my own. i am definately going to have a ton of meetings with my prof in analytical chemistry alot. oh well as long as i pass that class and get one step closer to that diploma. Thats what its all about right? oh well i wanted to write a long and in depth post but i have class so kiss my ass i gots to go.

Live journal when i walked away thought i would never be back but i find that
writing is an intricate part of who i am and i refuse to lose this piece of me
so in short i am back. Spring semester of 08 just started today. woot woot
i like it kinda. i mean i know its school which blows but i am making the most
of it.

My schedule is awesome. i am done on Tuesday's and Fridays at 10:40 am which
is going to be interesting. i am going to start using my free time a little bit
more wisely. instead of sitting around playing wow or pursing some other trivial
form of entertainment i am going to start reading writing and working out more than
ever.

I am in a play coming up at the school. I am somewhat nervous i have never done this
before but it has always been an aspiration of mine. i took acting class and did
very well and the audition went good. So im stoked. I am going to own the show.

well more later i have an 8 am and am tired.

"I have the balls and the determination to destroy anyone or anything that gets in my way... I am the hard line that separates determination from insanity."

-Machine

"The only thing you are guaranteed at birth is death. You have a right to that. The rest is earned."

"if you have to tell someone how good you are, you ain't that good"

Obsessed is a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated.

"Shut the fuck up.. and train"

Stay uncomfortable, be distressed, stay under the knife. If you find yourself sitting down, stand up. If you find yourself walking, run. If you find yourself trying, stop trying and start fucking doing. If you are sleeping soundly and wandering pleasantly through dreamland, WAKE THE FUCK UP.

“What do I do? I’m a bodybuilder & yeah, it’s a job. Only the day doesn’t start at 9 & it won’t end at 5. It starts from the time I open my eyes to the time I shut them. It’s not a 5 day work week. I live it 24/7... This is a job. This is my life.”

The Haves vs. Have-nots one. Its hanging on the wall in my room. Last week there was a huge snowstorm on my leg day. I was debating walking to the gym in the blizzard when I read that the "have-nots make excuses to skip training: the weather, a flat tire." So I walked my ass to the gym only to find that it was closed. Fuckers.

"....My only idol in this realm is the motherfucking man in the mirror and even he has to prove himself on a daily basis. "

"..Remember, there are starving children in Africa and skinny guys at your gym, so pretty please, with sugar on top, clean your fucking plate."

Growing up, I don’t know how many times I heard this… ‘You are what you eat.’ Fuck that shit. If that were true, I’d be a cow. Yeah, a big fucking cow with an oatmeal tail, yams for horns, and eggs for hooves. What a fucking sight that would be.

"you're out of toilet paper but your counter is full of supplements"

"if you doing it right your competing against the sickest motherfucker there is... yourself"

"When doubt pokes you in the gut and starts to make you sick, forget what you hope for. Forget about winning and losing. Forget about pain and pleasure. Flip the manual override switch to MANIC ENTHUSIASM. Now throw your fucking rock in the pond and take your place in this world."

I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go, but two-hundred pounds is always two-hundred pounds.

this is part two to last nights post. i was in the library and got kicked out cause it closed at midnight so i had to leave. many people say this is sick that i will look like a freak if i push it to the same extremes as the professional body builders but i dont care it shows a form of extreme dedication that few can reach and few care to think about it shows extreme dedication and it shows i dont give a fuck what the world has to say about me and my ways. i am who i am and i c ould care less what the wrold thinks about it. peace

people dont understand. This is not a game, this is not a joke, i am not the great white hope. i am into bodybuilding. I do not mean into it this year and next year i will never see it again i mean i dont think i will ever stop lifting weights in my lifetime. I mean that i want to slam 25 pounds of pure muscle onto my body over the next 4-5 months. i mean when i walk in the fucking gym i am an animal. i am throwing weight around likes its my personal bitch. i mean that i am so focused and possed i dont want a soul to talk to me i dont want a single break in my concentration. i dont want some stupid fucking girls in the gym bugging the fuck out of me in the middle of my workout. i mean you better be there to be focused and max your body out until you can barely move and get out of the gym. i want it to hurt so bad that i have to lay down on the gym floor before i leave. im sick and tired of people there just for the hype and the look. i dont care i dont lift to look better and pick up chicks. thats not what its about i want to bull doze my body into a muscle factory where you can point out any muscle group on my body like an anatomy figure. many people say this is sick

i feel as though i am a shell. I have no idea what im doing anymore. i feel as though my life has gone totally wrong. i dont know who i am anymore. the only time i am certain of anything is when i am in the weight room and im pumping my fucking brains out. in my classes i feel at though im lost as fuck. i study my balls until they are purple and the in walk into class and fuck up everything i touch. thats not how it used to be i used to walk through class and destroy exams and laugh at my professors. as far as woman go i dont know wtf is going on. my world seems dark and alone i am in the valley of the shadow of death and i am marching alone i will beat this but its just a fight i have fought so many times before that i cannot stand it. i wish the world were simple but when i wish those things they are not. now i have to go change and sacrifice 8 hours of my life to a thankless fucking job. fuck this day, fuck this life.